“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” — Anaïs Nin
Our perception of reality is shaped by our personal experiences, beliefs, and inner world. It highlights how the lens through which we view the world influences what we perceive as real.
This blog has been a long time coming. I’ve often heard that reality lies in the eye of the beholder and that peace and joy come from within, but a recent experience revealed to me just how profoundly someone’s self-perception can block them from feeling love—even when others offer it freely. When we don’t love ourselves, we shut out the love others try to give. That critical inner voice distorts how we see ourselves, making it impossible to recognize the kindness and affection others see in us.
A popular meme came to mind that I had seen on social media a few times (see image below). I’m sure you know the one… with the spilled coffee: “why did you spill the coffee? Because coffee was in the cup.”
On the surface it makes sense… and the depth of this truth is profound: what we carry within us is what we project out into the world…whatever is inside the cup is what will spill out.
It’s like expecting blue paint to come out of a red spray can—it doesn’t make sense. Yet, we often believe we can pour love, compassion, and kindness into others without giving any to ourselves. The truth is, what we carry within us is what we project out into the world. If we don’t cultivate compassion and care for ourselves first, it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to authentically offer it to others.
You Can’t Give What You Don’t Have
Self-compassion is the foundation for living a balanced, healthy life, and it starts within.
We often pour energy into others—family, friends, work—but when our own inner well is dry, it’s only a matter of time before burnout or resentment creeps in. Just as you can’t pour from an empty cup, you can’t offer true care, kindness, or love to others if you neglect yourself. Self-compassion allows you to replenish emotionally, so your kindness toward others comes from abundance, not depletion.
Loving Yourself Opens the Door to Love from Others
In yoga philosophy, Ahimsa, or non-violence, extends beyond our actions toward others—it includes how we treat ourselves. Practicing self-love is a key part of non-violence, as it means letting go of harsh self-criticism and embracing kindness toward our own being. In The Yamas and Niyamas, Ahimsa encourages us to cultivate inner peace by being compassionate with ourselves, recognizing that when we treat ourselves gently, we are better able to show up in the world with the same gentleness and care. Loving ourselves becomes the foundation for living non-violently in all areas of life.
When you love yourself, you cultivate openness to receive love from others. Without self-love, it’s easy to build walls, unconsciously blocking the affection and kindness that others try to offer. People who struggle with loving themselves often limit the depth of connection they allow, doubting the sincerity of others’ love.
Breaking the Cycle with Self-Compassion
Imagine someone who constantly criticizes themselves—“I’ll never be good enough” or “Nobody really likes me.” Even when others compliment or show affection, they dismiss or mistrust those gestures, convinced they don’t deserve them. As a result, relationships may feel distant or unsatisfying, not because others aren’t offering love, but because the person can’t let it in.
Self-compassion interrupts this harmful cycle. It’s not about ignoring mistakes but learning to respond to them with kindness rather than criticism. When we embrace self-compassion, we free ourselves from the need for constant validation and open ourselves to genuine connection. Loving ourselves becomes the foundation for accepting love from others, and with this balance, we not only transform our own lives but also positively impact those around us.
Reframing How We See Ourselves
Breaking the cycle of self-criticism begins with shifting how we speak to and view ourselves. Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the same kindness we’d offer a friend facing challenges. Here are some strategies to help reframe your self-perception and show up authentically in the world:
1. Notice Your Inner Critic: We are NOT our thoughts. Begin to notice the constant stream of thoughts, become aware of critical thoughts without judgment. Acknowledge them, then consciously replace them with kinder, more supportive statements. If this seems challenging, imagine what you might say to a child or friend, and say it to yourself.
2. Practice Self-Kindness: Accept that everyone makes mistakes. Respond to yourself the same way you would respond to a friend. Instead of focusing on flaws, view them as opportunities to grow.
3. Embrace Mindfulness: Learn a few mindfulness practices. Connect with your breath, spend time in nature, journal. Be intentional with breaks throughout your day to reconnect with yourself and be in the present moment.
4. Acknowledge Imperfection: Understand that you don’t need to be perfect to be worthy of love and belonging. Showing up as your authentic self fosters connection.
5. Connect with Your Values: Align your actions with your personal values. Living according to what matters most helps you feel more authentic and less tied to external validation.
Self-compassion rewires how we view ourselves, making it easier to accept love, embrace challenges, and show up in the world with confidence and joy.
Becoming more self-compassionate isn’t about fixing something broken—it’s about recognizing that you are already whole and capable. You have everything you need inside of you: the wisdom, strength, and love to create meaningful change. Self-compassion helps you reconnect with these truths, allowing you to show up authentically and fully embrace the love and joy that life offers.
